Monday, June 8, 2009

Attack Bird Viewing Etiquette and Best Practices

Chronicle staff couldn't be more pleased to see and meet Swoops' increasing flock of fans and followers. However, after an exhaustive staff meeting (over Lee's egg salad sandwich and Sun Chips), the need for Swoops Viewing Etiquette and Best Practices was addressed:

1. Don't stage "Hits" by messing with his tree (AKA Swoops Ground Zero) - Swoops has a quota, and staged hits DO NOT count towards this goal. If he doesn't make quota, he may get laid off and there just isn't much work for Attack Birds out there these days.

2. Never touch the baby chicks. Swoops' staff has been notified that the chicks will leave the nest soon, and may be seen on the ground near Swoops Ground Zero. Never touch them, as chicks handled by humans are often abandoned by the parents. The next generation of Swoops depends on you.

3. Never warn a potential target of the impending hit. This only makes it worse and more humiliating for the victim - let them suffer in peace. Plus it makes it harder for our feathered friend to make a clean Hit and renderes multiple hits all but impossible.

Thank you for your continued support.


  1. I'm not sure which is worse, a sandwich from Lee's or people messing with Swoops' nest. They both make me angry!

  2. Actually, the best thing to do if you see a chick on the ground (baby, ie no feathers, not a fledgling learning to fly) is to pick it up and put it back in its nest. The chick's chances are way better in its nest than being smooshed on the sidewalk. The whole "birds can smell humans and will reject their babies if people touch them is an old wives' tale.

    This comes from many years of wildlife rescue in NorCal, and it's the first thing we'd tell people calling with a baby bird -- stick it back in the nest.

  3. Again, this PROVES the point that you morons aren't really worried about the bird, you're just in this to be able to satisfy some juvenile sense of humor. You're the type who'd throw out a banana peel and then laugh hysterically when someone slips and falls on it. Look in the mirror and see what an incredibly tiny person you are.